I’m at this party and I’m pretty wasted, but I am talking to this slamming girl (Slamming when i’m sober, not just drunk). Me and this slamming girl are talking, and shes like “why don’t we go back to your room to watch a movie” When she said that to me I almost passed out because I was so happy. Anyway long story short, the kid I’m with starts puking at the party, so I end up taking care of my friend, and not having the girl come over. Worst of all I don’t even have her number

my new truck got side swipped!

When someone puts popcorn all over your newly washed sheets right before you go to bed.

so i went to take my car to the mechanic to have it fixed for a problem i didn’t even cause! and so i left it there and 4 hours later i get a call saying that my car is in piecesand had been butchered by another mechanic and can’t be done today…so okay well it still needs to be fixed irregardless right? well now a job that was $1,000 is going to cost $3,000…i called the guy who sold it to me he said too bad so sad so i called the bad mechanic and hes going to pay for it to be done!

I had this happen the other day. A couple kids came over to grab a bag from my bro and they wanted to hit my serious double percolated 2 foot bong. Everything was grand untill the one kid starts puking everywhere. Freak Accident. Never seen it before in years of bongage, but thats not what upset me. His friends didn’t help clean up or help him out of my house. I ended up doing all the cleaning and carrying this kid out of my house. A day i did not expect

I can’t believe that some idiot stole my sandals while I was in the ocean today.  I didn’t have funds to buy a new pair, so I had to bike home barefoot. This sucks!

i hate when syrup containers are all sticky. freaking sucks.

After 30 minutes of foreplay, my ‘girlfriend’ starts giving me the BEST head I’ve ever gotten, I’m about to bust, I haven’t jerked off in 3 days, and right before I do, she rips off her pants and jumps on me. This is the 2nd time I was having sex with this girl and the first time was a failure because we were interrupted by my dad stomping on the floor above us yelling “OH! OH! OH!” in reference to a hockey game he was watching, needless to say, I went marshmellow. Anyway, she jumps on me, keep in mind I’m about to bust, and she starts going nuts. I just keep thinking in my head “picture your grandparents doing it, picture your grandparents doing it!” so that beats it back for a little. Out of no where 3 minutes later, I feel a jolt go through my body. I push her off, just in time to bust all over my favorite, black t-shirt. Now, she refers to me as in the ‘militia’. I am now a ‘minute man’ in her eyes. She makes fun of me constantly for this. For all those reading, jerk off every day! Squeeze tight and let loose! I now know God has a sense of humor, I’ve never finished in under 20, I actually love this girl…….he gives me 3 minutes. I was planning to ask her our that night. I saw my chances blast away in one foul loud. Kill me quickly?